Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜