VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
unbelievably distressed by this ad