Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Body by cheese-puffs.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I have never related to a cat more
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.