As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
cry laughing at this shit
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.