It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
never ask a starfish for directions
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.