Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦