My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!