But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Just parrot things
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place