In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot