you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You Might Also Like
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name