@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein