I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My blood type is coffee.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
my first day as a raccoon
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.