Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]