[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
jesus, what did this guy do
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Interior design 👌
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
whatcha thinkin bout
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*