“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch