Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Beware of fowl play.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country