If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.