[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
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Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Boating season is upon us.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.