You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Haha! 😂
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Wait a minute…
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.