#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You Might Also Like
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*pronounces patio like ratio
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house