Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You Might Also Like
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.