Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money