Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
crying
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I bet
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.