Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*