it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix