Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
you have three unread messages
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
was Jim off killing horses or…
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?