Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..