If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
somebody come look at this
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.