A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”