It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
This dude got his own movie?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I did not eat the cake…
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”