My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*praying for world peace*
God:
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
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