Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
This kid is a star!
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter