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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin