Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
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Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
new wife guy just dropped
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.