You Might Also Like
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
This took me a second..
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.