I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress