Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery