What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now