just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
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every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Y’all ready for this
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles