Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
It do be feeling this way.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
next question.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*Seductively hides in the woods
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Which wines pair best with gloating?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way