If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
You Might Also Like
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Aight bet
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Sooo many times…..
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup