This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots