I love the honesty
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“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone