Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
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[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
What the hell happened in there??
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
“and how does that make you feel?”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
A friend helps you before you need it
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets