I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic