Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.