I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
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date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.