I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Seems kinda suspicious
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.