First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Said the murderer.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil