yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Pat is about to own someone
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator